Of late, it has been difficult to suppress;
Thoughts spurned with emotions have been crashing on the shores of my mind, gently subsiding over the hilly terrains of uncertainty;
The turbulent waves ebb down only to return back formidable, huge tides that engulf my mind.
They have crossed the barriers of the subconscious to infiltrate my practical mind, but has been checked and held back by the crash gates called practicality.
My scientific mind should have been more receptive to the inner warnings of putting the ideas on hold, but it has been of little help!
Initially it chided, but these days it seems to have laid down its arms in front of the abstinent mind.
It’s difficult to imagine how time and again I choose a life smothered by inevitable sufferings, this time around I dug a pit so deep that it could well turn out to be my grave, with a R.I.P hanging over it!
Surprisingly even then, it doesn’t hold back my thoughts; they march on undeterred.
I question myself, how could this have happened? Has this ever occurred before?
I know the answer isn’t in the affirmative, but my mind protests, “There is always a first time”!
“First time to what? My destruction? The initial phase of short lived happiness to be followed by pangs of grief?”, my conscious revolts back.
I have been a sadistic person through the better part of my life, but this change is welcomed with open arms.
I feel a better person, happy to be with myself- the way a smile plays on my lips, every time I think about him, I feel rejuvenated.
My mind knows no fear- for it has tasted happiness; how the taste of immortality drives man to attain the impossible even when they are aware of its futility.
I know my happiness is short lived; sooner or later, expectations would start building up and when they will fall short, I will be hurt.
I know not what to do to escape this predicament- Ignore him? avoid talking to him on casual pretexts? stop looking for him when he is not around?
Nothing comes to my mind that I have not tried before, but none of these could come to my rescue.
What it did was to leave me with a yearning, scathing heart, which was nursed back to health by him- talking to him, stealing a few glances, seeing him smile.
Deep within, my mind wants to give up on the loneliness that has seen me through the better half of my life,
It wants to thrive on the little meal of joy that he brings in my life.
For when he speaks, it rings a thousand bells which chimes in harmony.
It soothes my pain, puts an end to my disdain which the world piles up in my mind.
His smile brings the feeling of spring amidst the fall, its so vibrant.
It’s like a warm cozy shelter on a windy night.
It’s as beautiful as the sky at the break of dawn.
It’s so innocent and arresting, it melts my heart.
And his eyes, those beautiful chestnut colored ones, can light up any place in the world however grim or dim.
Those eyes, which can hold my attention anytime and transfix me.
The way they look at me, I get transformed to a magical realm.
The way it drives out any fear or hesitance and instills in me a beautiful feeling,
The way the world looks flawless and lovely when I look through your eyes.
His eyes,I can see the sun rising in them, they mesmerize me.
When I look at his eyes I can’t help but hold my gaze,
It sends a tingle down my spine
Everytime I think of him,I smile. His smile shines through in my thoughts.
Whenever I try not to think of him,his charming smile crawls back into my mind.
I can feel my heart beating faster,throbbing out of control whenever he smiles at me.
I feel eternally happy,so calm and so much at peace.
If I could savour one moment in my life,asked to keep just a single memoir,
I would like to keep the image of his eyes twinkling with his heavenly smile.
Maybe he is a distant dream,wont be even logical to call it a dream as that raises a hope of it coming true.
But I feel helpless,unable to control myself,not that I mind
I am happy living in this moment,
Lost in his thoughts,in his afterglow…