Time has come when I realize that I should probably put my emotions on a hold.
As much as I understand the futility of this, I fail to convince myself to let go.
Difficult as it may seem, I have to take an immediate action regarding this,
Because it is eating me inside out, slowly but steadily.
Initially all seemed to be perfectly beautiful-
I smiled like I never did before, happiness never seemed to abandon me,
Even under stressed out situations I found a new kind of comfort.
I felt protected, felt cared for, felt wanted.
But it all seems to make no sense now- everything’s a big mess.
The consequences of it are quite bizarre as I have always been aware of,
But what I am more concerned now is that maybe I am making it too difficult for me now.
I am struggling with my feelings, I am getting hurt, and fighting it out all alone.
I do not want to be a lone warrior waging a war against her own.
Expectations have started building a nest in my love struck heart,
And they are thoroughly misguided, they have a completely wrong address.
I wasn’t allowed to expect anything out of this- but my mind is a never ending sponge of desire,
It absorbs everything and yet wants some more.
And as the expectations fail to come to fruition, they become hurtful.
Whatever I do of late is governed by a single thought, and I can’t overcome it.
I go to sleep and wake up with his thoughts,
With his smiling face and expressive eyes in my mind.
I never wanted to get so submissive to someone, who ironically can never be mine.
But I am on the path to self destruction,
And I want to stop myself from treading that path further,before its too late.
I have tried once before, but ended up hurting myself even more.
And I gave up.
Not because it pained, but because I was too selfish to let go of my momentary happiness
That I derive from him.
Yes, I am selfish because I am always thinking about myself.
I have to let go of him.
He reminds me of unfulfilled dreams, of not getting what I want,
Of painful distances that I can’t trace.
I didn’t want this life.
I wanted to be happy, but not at the cost of insurmountable grieving.
He makes me a sadist.
Even though it pains a lot being so close and yet so very aloof from him,
I find comfort in just admiring him from a distance.
I don’t want to lead such a dubious life,
Where every step that I take questions me about its fate.
What is difficult in this process of erasing my feelings for him
Is that he has no role to play in this game.
He hasn’t hurt me, hasn’t tortured me,
He isn’t even aware of the feelings I harness for him.
How do I forget someone who has not harmed me in anyway?
How do I forget someone who brings nothing but joy to me?
But I have to move on, for my own sake.
For saving my soul from bruises that will inevitably be inflicted upon by me.
I hate it when I do this to myself.
And I don’t want to hate myself anymore.