Reliving the year that was…

Another year breathes its last..2012 was supposed to be the year when the world would come to an end..My world did come to an end, it got hit by an apocalypse in the year 2011 and the
aftermath has only continued, growing in magnitude every day.
Nothing that I did this year seemed to be fruitful for me. As if the society wasn’t harsh enough, I for the first time in my life, started doubting myself, lost faith in my capabilities, couldn’t reason my actions, felt belittled. Pain, tears, defeat, shame and LOSS were my companion throughout. I can’t single out any achievement, or any improvement. I lost my cool,my patience, my inner peace, my composure and this year saw me at my worst mood, ever.

2012 turned me into a complaining, whimpering, frightened, spineless, hot tempered being.I lost my individuality, the very definition of me.
Amidst all the mayhem,there were little moments of joy. My sister’s grand wedding, start out of  Kolpokatha. 2012 introduced to me my ‘ideal man’,the one I used to fill imaginary pages of my diary writing about.There were some very special moments and I got carried away in the drift of his larger than life personality.
But reality sank in,though a little late, and I have somehow managed to conquer over my hopelessly confused heart.2012 took away a lot but it gave me one friend,who was always there for me but his worth got multiplied a trillion times. The way he has stood by me, supported and comforted me and in the process taken all the pain and heartbreaks, I could never be thankful enough to him.

I wish 2013 were a little better.I don’t have any fancy whims,I just wish I can be unchained from the constant fear of death. I hope that I get my share of wins,that fate doesnt part ways with my efforts like this year. I wish I can grow as a person, gain back my lost self and change for the better. I hope I can bring smiles on the faces of all those who expect out of me.
I hope there are no more losses this year or the coming many,many years..the bruises are too fresh to heal and there are no room for new ones,at all.
I hope I can become a better daughter,sister,researcher,student,friend and a better person above all. I hope my dreams get new wings and they can surge ahead..
I am not asking for an absolute smooth road,but I should be able to reach my destination on time and satisfied,is all I ask.
In your dying hours,2012 I can’t be apologetic, nor can sympathize with you..You gave me nothing,but took away a lot..a lot more than I could afford. I am happy, happy and relieved
that you are over. I am ready to turn a new leaf.

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