Cognizance..

Sometimes in life out of the many mistakes that you make,the gravest of them often is finding asylum in a person you shouldn’t have had. It makes you feel like a fool when in the end you discover that you shouldn’t have confided in them..not your smiles or tears nor affection. And all you can do is blame yourself for it as it was you who consciously handed them the power to destroy you,inebriate with so much self loathing that all you can think is to dig up your own grave.

You question yourself as to what happened because your confidence in that person was built one care at a time. It made you feel secure and somewhere within it lay the foundation of a silent faith that they are not going to hurt you. But within moments situation changed..you suddenly became the invisible one not knowing what you have done to earn this amount of decapriciation. Perhaps it had been all your fault to place your bets on someone who could never be yours. Maybe it was a huge judgemental error to even imagine that someone without any interests would be willing to walk that extra mile for you or talk for that extra minute when you drop silent. Perhaps it was too much of an ask out of them that they would understand your silences. But when in the end you find that they don’t believe you,that they think that all of it is a mirage and something that you just made up,it hurts..cutting across your soul like shrapnels. It’s then that you can’t make up your mind whether to be angry with yourself or to feel sorry for yourself. Because all your life you thought that relationships are carved out of trust and you don’t know whether to trust them further by exposing your bruises and vulnerability.

The question that then comes to mind is whether you have damaged enough- yourself, and the relationship that you used to have with that person. Maybe you did. Maybe you made it all bitter by upping your expectations out of them, by not filling their shoes and thinking about what it is like for them. Maybe you just took your entire life to a different point of no return,where all you can do is look back and wish that you had never opened up that night. That you had never taken one those most ridiculous decisions in your life and think that you would get away with it unscathed. What would have happened if you didn’t ? Life would go on its own course and you wouldn’t realize anything except for those funny jealous pangs you would have occasionally. You wouldn’t have known why you didn’t want them to leave and why you could laugh your heart out with them around. Nothing would have made any sense to you until one day when they were gone,so far that you wouldn’t be able to reach them physically,that you would start missing them. And then you would wish to have made those moments that you spend with them more special, to talk to them as much as you could,go out with them and live your whims. But you couldn’t do that and hence never would be able to do that.

And then you would think that you did the right thing to open up to them. Maybe it had its own risks, maybe you were hurt and you cried your eyes out every passing moment,but in the end it boils down to the element that you were honest with yourself.

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