I do not like it here any more. I donot like the arduous task of unmasking people at a routine basis. I donot like to be bewildered everytime my beliefs come shattering down. You would say that’s why it’s best to be a non believer. And I would say that’s the easy escape route.
I am tired of seeing the fake smiles, the make belief “I care for you” attitude. I’m exhausted of the hypocrisy people pose just to enjoy manipulating the others. I’m agonized how people effortlessly weave words to get into your minds and mess it up for you, unearthing your deepest secrets your cherished thoughts that you donot reveal for fear of being misjudged.
I feel insignificant. Negligible. Almost invisible. I feel shoved to a corner of setbacks. No triumphs, no achievements. Just a blank slate with ancient glory fading fast. Who am I? The one I see now and hardly recognize? Or the one I was, that showed me the dreams of what I could become? The gap is widening and the bridge falling apart. Today’s me stares intently at the yesteryears’ me. The calm, composed, focused, dedicated hardworker. What am I now but a whimpering, whining, complaining piece of existence?
My confidence lies in ruins. Missed deadlines, flipped data, sloppy editings -who is this person,so remote that I can hardly make out? Am I cheating on the people I care about- Do I really mean when I say I have big aspirations? Do I really work intelligently enough? Am I cheating on myself?
I don’t laugh like I did until my tummy hurt. I pretend to laugh,but run out of my breath because pretensions can only lead you so far. The smiles taste very stale, just like my mouth feels after scores of antibiotics. I can’t sleep when “well” and I can’t sleep when unwell, which has been so often the past 10 months that I have lost the idea of a healthy life.
The only thing I can do effortlessly is to cry. I have always been a crier ever since life in all her delicious hard heartedness decided to disown me. But tears have become a necessity these days. So much so that I might have lost the conscience of shedding them in public.
All my life running after a career and giving everything else a second hand,what did I earn? No big achievements. Just disappointments and missed chances. One big failure being sucked into the vortex of mediocrity.People failed, work failed, dreams failed..me. Or is it the other way round? Did I fail them all?
I see the faces around me, they can so conveniently make and break bonds as per their requirements. The ever changing colors of their emotions dazzle me. Why do I have to bear the baggage of attachments? Why do I empower people I care for,to hurt me over and over again? Why am I such a fool to expect a relationship to survive in a strictly professional field? Six months of endless pain and weeping myself to sleep each night, of undiagnosed sickness and degrading mental stability..and I learn nothing.
Is anything that I see real? Has truth lost it’s universality? Has it too become contextual? I have become exhausted of questioning but they don’t stop. I need a harbinger who can warn me to look out for the pitfalls. Until then I am tired of people, of their saying things which they don’t mean. I am tired of being me- so pathetic, so weak and so non challenging.
Is this depression? Am I depressed?