Closing in on three decades of life. A long way covered; scarred, battered but not lost. Not yet. Fought some battles, still fighting a war. Got scared, maybe did not even win in a few; but never laid down the arms. Never gave up, and I take pride in that. People turned from strangers to friends, friends to life, life to banishment. Friends turned foe and before I knew they were back being strangers again. Life, strangely has come full circle in this not so long time frame.
Did I love enough? Did I love myself? Was the love enough to spare me some hurt? I certainly didn’t hate myself, but could I use some self love? Certainly, yes.
What could be more scary than to give up on self and put our soul in someone else’s hands? Scary, very. But also satisfying. To find someone whom you can trust with your soul? It’s truly gratifying. Taking on the risk of them completely messing it up, dropping it, neglecting it and trampling upon it; yet putting the battered and bruised self back in their fragile hands- WOW. To find this kind of love and faith in a lifetime, even though they might not reciprocate, even when they might misunderstand, even when they might completely rip you apart- to be able to place this kind of trust in someone, all that in below thirty years?
Some of us go empty and loveless all our lives, some believe we have found it, but eventually it doesn’t work out. But to find this kind of love, the ability to completely forego the person, to associate the idea of love not with the physical form of a person but beyond. To be completely at ease with their idea, with them not being physically present, yet being so comfortable in baring ourselves, being completely naked with them. No veil of pretensions or lies or comforting eye washes. To find love of this kind in someone who could never be ours; whom we wouldn’t want to own, whom we are okay with never seeing again, but whom we subconsciously always carry with us. Love of this kind which doesn’t pay heed to their realities- where they are depreciating, not approving of our ways. Love that doesn’t believe in concurring, which believes in setting free.
I have loved fiercely, I have found love in separation, in pain and in tears. I have found love in the idea of love and not associated it with an entity. I have loved and I am yet to love some more, a lot more. Almost 30 years and I have found something which people hunt for their entire lifetime. I have found life.