As I reach my work place, the first thing I do is to refrain myself to look at you. I remind myself that you should not be the first thing I see in the morning (which usually runs into the early noon). Since, of late it has become extremely difficult to keep my mind from running into your thoughts every time you are in the adjoining room.
Today I followed the routine. I tried to ignore your gaze as I walked from the door to my desk. It helped that we had a small debate yesterday and you ended up saying something which hurt me. Like a lot. Enough for me to write another blog entry. Sigh!
I could make out you were wearing a new tee. But I made sure that I did not have a full view of you and also to give out this message that I am not talking to you because I was hurt.
A few moments later, you started pulling my legs. Frankly, that irks me a lot that you think about me in that particular manner, associating me with another man when you clearly are aware about my emotions for you. But it also keeps me in a buoyant mood, because that has become our primary mode of communication these days. Just as I was about to give in to my restraint, I heard my colleagues talk about some “mark” on your neck. I turned around and you looked at me and there it was- a red, vibrant mark on the nape of your neck. Strangely, it was on a particular spot that I have fantasized about like a couple of times now.
You spoke about how it requires certain sets of skills and that it was nothing new for you and it happened at a greater frequency in “your days” and my mind wandered off to the idea of you making love to your better half. Strangely, it got me thinking of something weird and I snapped out of the idea as soon as it hit me. The entire day, I could not take my eyes off you or that visible sign of passion. It “excited” me to imagine what it would be like to experience that amount of hunger.
With you around, I feel like what Naoko felt for Toru and not for Kizuki in the Norwegian Wood. Despite having a boyfriend for all these years, the one I loved and I was committed towards, I have never been able to feel what I feel for you. Now that he has left me, the last three years, your grip over me has just gone from strength to strength.
As I sat facing you at tea break, my eyes were fixated on you but my mind was meandering around thinking about that “mark”. It had so much of a power that I ended up confessing in person that you were the first person I was physically attracted towards. I felt a strange sense of liberty professing it, like it empowered me to think of you in a certain way with out feeling guilty.
That’s when I understood the authority of that “red mark”. It was such a heady mix of longing, of a deeply coveted desire, an overpowering urge; that for a minute it felt that it was the most dominant feeling that I have ever experienced. And all that with out even touching you. For a brief moment, I saw envy flash by. But I recovered fast and decided that I wouldn’t let that occasion to pass fighting a lost battle with reality. And I snapped back to the present and spent the next hour discussing and debating and ultimately falling silent with you.
I saw you off for the day, your smile fading into the distance and that “red mark” still sitting proudly on your neck.