Purely conditional

You say that there is an agenda behind everything that I do.

I fought with myself vehemently over this.

I denied it and I was shocked that you would say so, even after all these years, after all that happened.

Maybe more so after all that happened.

Most of your opinions about me has struggled to find reason with me.

You would say, that’s what is expected out of me, or I guess anybody for that matter.

But deep down I have never agreed with them and I put up a struggle everyday to disprove of it.

But today, putting aside all my opposition and shock, I hope that your opinion is true.

I sincerely hope that there is an agenda behind what I do and how I feel for you.

I really, really hope that my affections and concerns are attached with countless conditions.

That way I would not have to fight myself each passing day so that I don’t let emotions defeat reason in every possible way.

I really hope I have certain agendas as to why I hopelessly write to you every day.

I pray that I have some incentive as to why I put aside every logic and hold on to you even when you behave in the rudest manner that is humanly possible.

I do not want to unearth any hidden motives of mine, I just wish that they are there concealed, waiting to pounce on me when the time is ripe.

I want to agree with you this time. I want to prove you correct and ever since I heard what you had to say, I have been concentrating hard to prove you right.

Yes, I have many scores to settle.

All those are the reasons why I behave as I do. Every single thing that I do for you are driven by agendas.

Why else would someone make herself feel so cheap at the cost of her emotions?

Well done. You have opened my eyes and given me hope.

Yes, I have many hidden motives.

Perhaps that is the only way I could let go of you once you are out of here, or when I go away; whichever happens first.


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