Human behavior, like the seasons of the world now, is erratic. They are bitter to those who no matter what would still go back to them, they are sweet to those who do not give a damn. Wouldn’t this world be a better place if our minds would be more transparent and not try to be something that they are not? Why do we invest so much time, which apparently we are constantly running out of, trying to be someone else? Why do we run ourselves into the risk of being judged, being branded shallow or opportunists?
Are we so afraid to bare our real selves that we have to wear a mask all the time? Are we so sceptic that someone would get to know us that we have to measure all our emotions before we scoop it out in small amounts to distribute it to the people around us? The people, that we decide upon. Are we scared of the possibility that perhaps we will lead an “ordinary” life; devoid of the ups and downs that comes with concealing our true selves, with living a lie?
A bigger likelihood is that we all are living an addiction. Some of us are addicted to the idea of being a narcissist, some of us constantly seek approval in others. Many are addicted to being dominant and inflicting hurt upon others, while some are addicted to pain. Perhaps there is a sense of immense satisfaction for us in living with our fixations. For some of us, that becomes the sole purpose of living.
Why can we not be honest to ourselves and to the people we choose to “care” about? Why do we take for granted their presence no matter how cruel we are to them? How can love make one claustrophobic? How can it make one distant? Why is it easier to hate than to love? Why is it simpler to hold on to rage than to forgive? Why is there an expiry date for relationships? Why is there a threshold for affection but loathing is limitless?
Why can we not be a little more kind, a little more patient, a bit more forgiving, a wee bit tolerant, extra caring? Why do we not try to hold on a little longer instead of rushing to put an end? Why can we not take the first step? Why do we have to always wait for the other person to apologise first? Why are the apologies not enough after a while? Why is it more convenient to make someone cry than to give them reasons to smile?
The world and it’s people do not make any sense to me. They choose what is more complicated, they are comfortable living a lie, waking up each day trying to be someone they are not. They shun honesty, rawness. They run after what is fake. They run away from the true ones to hide behind apparitions.
They knock you down, you get up. They hurt some more, you go back to them still. They demean you, make fun of your emotions, and you still hang on to them. They trample you and chop you into pieces, you try to glue them back together and place yourself in their hands. They piece you up even more, until you struggle to complete yourself. And then just like that, you are lost. You lose meaning of what you stood for, you lose your identity. And before you know, you are ancient history.
Reality repels me. Fortunately, I found some of the people from that world worth associating my identity with. Unfortunately, they turned out to be true to their worlds.